Finding My Heart of Praise

Today I'm posting out of a need to get a story written before it has time to even begin to fade from my memory. It's one that hopefully I'll never forget, but you know how it is, over time we lose the small details. Sunday our pastor talked about Easter and the whole idea of the Resurrection being as shocking as a sunrise at midnight. I guess you could say that the following story was a "sunrise at midnight" kind of experience for me.

Six weeks or so ago I was "swimming in a sea of steroids," as my doctor so eloquently put it. I had just been diagnosed with MS and undergone five days of high-dose IV steroid infusions. My mind was in a fog and I was kind of an emotional basket case.

I opened my Bible and began to read at the first page I came to.
"Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
Praise the Lord with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy." Psalm 33:1-3 (NIV)

"I don't think so," I said, and promptly closed my Bible. I was in no mood to sing joyfully and praise the Lord. Tearfully, I told God "You're going to have to help me find my heart of praise, because I just don't feel it."

With the phone ringing off the hook at home and me being in no mood to talk, I decided to go find a quiet spot in the church. It was late on a Friday morning and I didn't think anyone would be around. I entered the dark sanctuary and found a spot in the choir loft, thinking that if anyone came in they would not see me there. I tried and tried to pray, but all I could do was sit and cry, and I begged God to help me find my heart of praise.

After a few minutes an elderly man came in through the choir loft door right next to me. He kind of grunted at me, then made his way to the organ directly across from me and began to play. It felt like the last straw, and rage boiled up inside me. I got up and stomped down to a pew in the middle of the sanctuary, where at least he wouldn't see me and I wouldn't have to look at him. As I sat there, still trying unsuccessfully to pray but now in a sanctuary filled with organ music, my mind drifted back to the words from the Psalm I had read earlier that morning. As it did, peace began to replace the rage as I realized that God was answering the one and only prayer I had been able to mutter that day, "help me find my heart of praise."

The Psalmist had urged me to praise the Lord with music and singing, and when I couldn't do it myself, God sent someone to do it for me. The tears REALLY began to flow then, when I realized I was in the presence of the Lord and he was comforting me and loving me at that very moment.

I grabbed a pew Bible, and this time I read Psalm 33 in its entirety and then moved on to Psalm 34. I didn't want to miss anything he had for me, and I FEASTED on the following words:

"I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:1-8

Wow, God is so good! Psalm 34 goes on with equally wonderful and comforting words from there, but I'll leave you to look it up for yourself.

I don't know how long I continued to sit there soaking up that organ music, but God didn't stop there. Not only did he send someone to praise for me, but he sent someone to pray for me as well. My friend Tindal, a staff member at the church, was taking a shortcut through the sanctuary to her office and saw me sitting there. We talked for a few minutes, and then she prayed for me, offering up all the words I had been unable to find. Only then was I finally able to dry my tears and go home.

As our pastor, Reggie, said on Sunday, there has to be a crucifixion in order for there to be a resurrection. When the crucifixions come in our lives, there will be pain, suffering, or sorrow. But just think of the majesty of a sunrise at midnight! Do you think Jesus focused his attention on the suffering of the cross, or the goal of the cross? I wouldn't trade the resurrection I experienced in the sanctuary that day for anything, and in saying that, I must also be grateful for my own personal crucifixion that preceded it. It was a turning point for me, and brought me from a place of fear and self-pity to one of peace and hope.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13